5 Things I Hate About You

** I wrote this for Momversation this week, however, as they are currently undergoing their "makeover" and already sitting on two posts from me no one has seen yet, figured I'd put it up here first**


Ok, so maybe hate is a strong word. Or not. Hi, happy middle of summer and welcome to my annual pool rant.

My older son Zach takes swimming lessons every summer at the local aquatic center. I’ve lost count of how many this is now, but it will likely be the last unless he wants to do Life Guard training. We’re there every morning, Mon-Fri. It is, as it turns out, quite the place for people/kid watching - I’m sure there are many psych or sociology papers you could write just from spending a couple of weeks there.

On Friday mornings, we also have Josh with us. Josh is my younger son, who is in a summer school program the other 4 days because he is autistic. Josh can be quite loud sometimes. While I understand how startling that can be, it’s just noise, he’s not hurting anyone or interfering in any way. So what I do not understand are the dirty looks I get, as though I have done something offensive by bringing my son to watch his big brother swim.

Really? We’re going there? Ok, pool people, this unfortunately happens every summer, and it pisses me off, so guess what? Your turn. Let me share with you now, the reasons you can all bite me, you big bunch of judgmental babies:

Helicopter Moms You know who you are. You are literally standing at the edge of the pool, following your kids as they swim lengths, waiting, perched over them like vultures when they reach the end of the lane. GIVE YOUR KIDS SOME SPACE, you are going to suffocate them. Not to mention the fact that you are freaking the other kids out hovering the way you do. Stop it.

Coo-Coo Clock Moms Yes, I made that up, but there needs to be a term for it and this seems to fit. Oh, you guys are definitely my favorites. You engross yourselves in everything but your children. Every now and then, you’ll pop your head up and yell something useless, then immediately get back in to the “house” of whatever it is that is so much more important than your kids. An example: Blackberry Mom, has her face glued to that little screen. Her 3 year old, is running back and forth and up and down the bleachers. He climbs through the railing and onto the pool deck. Coo-coo time, Mom looks up though not really at her son and yells “Alex don’t do that” then immediately gets back to the Blackberry. Doesn’t wait to see if Alex heard her or was going to do what she said. He continues his escapade and she is oblivious. Instructors are yelling at him to stop running by the pool. Mom, is still working that Blackberry. Alex wipes out, hitting his head on the concrete pool deck. Huge surprise. This is just one of many examples, you’re on cell phones, listening to i-pods, talking to the other Coo-coos, doesn’t matter, you’re not supervising your children and you should be. Smarten-up.

Completely Clueless Parent I’m talking to you, mom who had her 4 year old “supervising” the 2 year old alone, in the lobby, while she was in the changing room with the 6 year old. 2 year old opens the door to leave, 4 year old follows. The parking lot and road are about 20 feet from that door. Before I had a chance to get to them, they came back in and promptly headed for the pool. Alone. Mom comes out of the changing room - looks around, starts to panic. Well, really? I’m thinking maybe this wasn’t the smartest thing you’ve ever done. Pool staff and I point her toward her children.

Kids Behaving Badly I blame your parents. Rude, inconsiderate or disrespectful behavior needs to be addressed, not ignored. They’ll have no one but themselves to blame when you are miserable teenagers.

Hot Instructor Guy Yes, you are a fine specimen, you’ve got no argument from me on that, dear boy. If I were 20 years younger we’d be dating. However, your tendency to wear swim trunks that sit several inches below your navel, showing those tan lines and that amazing “V” you only see on well-defined males whose pants are too low - while entertaining for the cougars in the stands, is somewhat inappropriate for the pre-teen girls you are teaching. PULL YOUR PANTS UP.

My son is autistic, he can’t help the way he behaves. What are your excuses?


This post is dedicated to all the parents, kids, and 1 or 2 instructors at the Covington Aquatic Center (formerly the Tahoma Pool).