... but don't quote me on that or I'll deny it.
So. We're still here and in one piece, mostly. Were you worried? Probably not. I was. Enough for all of us so don't worry, I had that covered.
The end of last week was pretty horrible. Truly, the worst he's ever been and I honestly was at my lowest point. I don't think I've ever felt so helpless, hopeless, or afraid. By Friday he was just a mess, and I decided when we were part way to school that he just wasn't in any shape to go, there was no way the staff were going to be able to cope with him. So I just walked with him to the classroom and told them I was going to take him home. His amazing, compassionate, patient, and fantastic teacher and para-educators told me to leave him, go home and get a little rest. I told them I didn't think they'd be able to manage him and they told me to let them worry about it, if they really couldn't handle it they'd call me but they wanted me to have whatever break I could. I was in tears. If you're ever feeling like there are no truly good people left in the world, remember this story. It's such a small thing but geez, it was the best thing anyone could have done for me right then. They knew they were in for a rough go of it with him but they kept him anyway. I'll remind you that he hurts people in this state he's in.
They managed to keep him until lunch time, then he was just too inconsolable and they called me to come and get him. So I had a few hours. At this point I had called Josh's Dr and asked if we should go back on the Celexa, at least just to what I'd had him on, since I still had a baseline of his behavior from all the weeks/months leading up to this. He deteriorated so sharply once we had him off of it, it seemed that was only making things worse, not better. Dr said yes, so I started him back on it. Now, within a few days of being back on the Celexa and also now on Zyprexa, we may be seeing a light at the end of this tunnel.
He is definitely in a better overall mood, not so sad and upset constantly like he was last week. He's even been happy and silly more, something that just seemed to be disappearing before. He is going to sleep better, without going in to a rage. He still has no reserves, though. The millisecond he suspects something isn't forthcoming or going his way he loses it. But, unlike before, it seems like we can work with him a bit more, talk him out of it - he seems more "there", more connected. Before it was just this trapped, frenzied, animal, hell bent on hurting. So, without jinxing anything, I'm cautiously optimistic. We're not out of the woods yet, I still wouldn't want to take him anywhere. But I do think we may have turned a corner here. We are not on the max dose of Zyprexa yet, I can still go up a bit. It is making him VERY tired, he is sleeping for a couple of hours in the mornings on it, so I think we may need to switch it to the evening. We can also go up on his Celexa which I think we should after we get the Zyprexa sorted out. My feeling after watching him last week when we came off it is that he's accommodated to his dose and needs more. He was certainly on a higher dose when he first started on it.
It's a lot of meds. And I'm not terribly comfortable with it all. However, all of the love, patience, re-direction, behavior modifcation, or teaching in the world did nothing to help him. It seems the meds are breaking through where we could not. So I have to be ok with them.
I'm not feeling quite as desperate as I was last week. Which is good. That was really a bad, bad place to be. I understand some things now that I wish I didn't.
One thing I can tell you though, the love and support from you guys helped, it really did. Just knowing there were people out there thinking and hoping good things for us, even going through similar situations, was a gift, thank you.
Of course I will keep you posted. Hopefully we can get back to more of my usual Planet Josh posts - you know, maybe some humor - soon. Winter Break is coming up shortly. This should be interesting...